At a time when terrorists strike because their invisible-prophet-friend has really, really… really thin skin, it’s probably wise to look at the world a little more caution, and with a lot more fear.
The world is full of minorities, and just because you’ve never been initiated in their codes of ethics, observed their moral compasses, or subscribed to their silly superstitions, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be prepared to face their wrath, especially if you’ve been making comments about stuff, and talking generally about things.
Let’s look at the evidence when you displayed grotesque insensitivity to the sensibilities of others – and apparently may have done enough to inspire the furious rage of personal jihad!
Holding up the line as you checked your iPhone for Chipotle’s Nutrition Calculator someone heard you say “It’s hardly real food”. Watch it buddy, ‘Sofritas’ is very real. You don’t want to be dealing with a pissed-off vegan.
Returning an unread copy of Moby Dick you made a regrettable joke about 'this silly big fish'. Calm down my friend, anglers take species classification pretty seriously.
You weren’t even doing anything. You were sat beside a lake in Mirror Park, Los Santos, reflecting on the fleeting nature of life. Boom – You just signed your own death warrant. Play or get out of the game. Loser.
Complaining in a perfectly audible voice about the lack of sanitary wipes available to clean the cart handles, you upset the floor staff who had just spent hours polishing that shit. You worried about the bacteria, meanwhile the under-waged placed a price on your head.
Falling asleep you joked with your young bride about 'gas attacks'. Tread lightly, Romeo. Tread lightly. Some women just snap.
Making jokes to Miriam at the toll booth about your ‘high occupancy vehicle’ that she just doesn’t find funny. You may be comfortable with your weight big guy – but others are less confident. Her husband smokes his own jerky. If you follow me.
Waiting on the #53 Downtown, you made a quip about 'They never show, but when they do they all come at once.' Easy there tiger, bus drivers are notoriously thin-skinned. Maybe you'll be missing your stop next time.
Laughing at the latest offering from Zach Braff, you inadvertently capsized something in the soul of your lover. Oh, and you contributed to the homogenization of indie-cinema. Beware the Hollywood auteurs – they can be deadly-bitchy.
It was in the bathroom. You know what you did.
If this guide to avoiding terror strikes makes sense to you, perhaps you should check out Runt of the Web's Amazing Unhelpful Fun Facts