Authorities at the Sleep Council of America (SCA) announced earlier today that exactly all of the tips, tricks and remedies suggested to help you fall asleep naturally are nowhere near as effective as Xanax when it comes to finding rest.
“After years of extensive research, we regretfully wish to inform everyone that, if you’re having trouble sleeping, Xanax, or a similar Schedule IV controlled substance, is gonna be your best bet,” said Adelfa Ocampo, a spokesperson for the group.
The news comes as a relief to countless insomniacs across the country, no longer forced to feel guilty upon ignoring the suggestion of “regular exercise” yet again.
“Thank God,” said light sleeper Ryan McCready. “I hope this news somehow makes it illegal for my doctor to keep asking about my ‘lifestyle’ choices,” referring to both the phone and laptop he refuses to turn off two hours before bed, despite being advised to do so on a number of occasions.
“I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve stayed up searching the internet for sleep remedies, only to be inundated with articles about lavender sleep sachets and chamomile tea,” said Janet Starr, who has had difficulty sleeping since experiencing an onset of arthritis nearly two years ago. “If it was truly as easy as poppin’ a benzo this whole time just say so.”
Both pain management doctors and self-proclaimed “party kids” alike are happy to finally have the support and endorsement of both sleep specialists and the medical community.
“I mean seriously, have you ever taken one? You’re out like a fucking light,” says college freshman and small time dealer Kenny Rice. “Deep breathing exercises are cool and all but let’s be real, no one’s gonna actually do that more than once.”
Of the countless methods considered, a single milligram of Xanax proved far superior to frequently suggested sleep tactics, with only “passing out shitfaced wasted” coming anywhere close to second.
“Of course we would still encourage anyone looking for natural and non-habit forming alternatives that won’t kill you to keep doing their own independent research, but honestly, we all know it’s all gonna come up Valerian root and sleepytime tea, and how many people has that actually worked for? No one? Pretty much,” Ocampo adds. “We’re just trying to save everyone a lot of unnecessary trouble here.”