Colin Hanks Train Tickets

Look, I really don’t want to make a big deal out of this, but it appears that actor Colin Hanks has all the train tickets. I don’t want to make this a thing. I’ve never approved of how the media interferes with the lives of famous actors and actresses. Truly, their personal business is theirs and theirs alone. However, I really need to get from Minneapolis to Chicago for my grandfather’s funeral.

I arrived at the St. Paul Union Depot Amtrak station at 7:00 AM this morning to catch the 28 Empire Builder to Chicago. I’ve ridden Amtrak to visit my family many times before and never had a problem buying tickets before I boarded. Today, however, when I got there there was no ticket taker. Just a sign that said, “Sorry, Colin Hanks Has All The Train Tickets.”

Now, I could understand if it were his birthday or something. If someone told me that Colin Hanks was a huge train buff like Joe Biden, and that for his birthday he bought out the whole train so that he and his friends could ride together and swap train facts, then of course, I could understand that. But that’s not what was happening at all.

The station was completely empty. It wasn’t filled with the friends and family of Colin Hanks. There were no well wishers or party caterers. I didn’t get a glimpse of American treasure and father of Colin Hanks, Tom Hanks. Just a lone train conductor, and a quiet train.

I have to admit, I was a little bewildered, but I figured that perhaps Amtrak had made a mistake and that Colin Hanks had most of the train tickets, but not all of the train tickets. I walked over to the train conductor, and politely asked if there were any more tickets available, and I’ll never forget what he said to me: “I’m sorry, we’re sold out, Colin Hanks has all the train tickets.”

Can you believe that? He truly does have them all. It’s so unusual, and not at all the way I imagined he would act. Did you know that he was in Mad Men and Fargo? Surely an actor of that caliber doesn’t need all the train tickets.

Well that’s it for me and Mr. Colin Hanks. After this I don’t think I could possibly enjoy his movies. I don’t know what he needed that whole train for, and at this point, I don’t want to know. I hope he enjoys his train ride, because now I have to drive to my grandfather’s funeral, if Mr. Hanks hasn’t rented all the cars, too.

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