To: The makers of STAYZ HARD performance enhancement pills
I’m writing to you today to voice my displeasure with your product and to share my story.
I only intended to pay for a pack of gum and a bottle of water at the convenience store near my house and this row of pills grabs my attention. The neon STAYZ HARD is impossible to ignore, so even though I’m not normally much of an impulse shopper, I grab a packet of pills and toss them next to the water bottle.
The guy behind the counter, I think he’s the only guy who works there, looks at the pills and looks me up and down. He knows who I am, I’m in that place daily, and now I’ll have to take my business elsewhere because the guy behind the counter thinks my dick doesn’t work. I don’t need that type of pressure and scrutiny every time I’m buying a hoagie.
My date wasn’t expecting me for another 20 minutes, and I was only ten minutes from her place, so with time in the to kill, I read the label warnings. I will admit your company does a sufficient job explaining the possible side effects including erections that last a half day, heart palpitations, in some rare cases, death. Even after all the warnings, my only real concern at that moment was your company’s choice to use the letter Z in place of an S on the entire package (“If erectionz lazt more than three hourz, call a doctor” does not inspire confidence).
I’m normally not the type of guy who needs penis pills but our last time together was less than sensational, and I’m trying to make up for it with an all night fuck-a-thon. I’m going to drink a little less and request she turn off the TV because it’s hard to get in the mood with the Property Brothers talking about home equity. My point is, I’m also doing my part here.
So I asked myself “Should I take these STAYZ HARD now or do I wait until just before sex?” I feared the pills might not work at all, or could take hours to kick in, and the last thing I wanted was to be rock hard on the ride home at 3 AM. I don’t need to explain that to an officer of the law again. So I took the pills…and that’s where the trouble began.
It started with a light sensation, and within minutes my penis was fully erect. I also couldn’t move my right leg. I was incredibly aroused, so to control the sexual rage I had to think of both Property Brothers shirtless, sanding down a kitchen floor. Not only did it not help, but now nothing but thinking about Jonathan and Drew Scott works to get me hard. I had no choice but to pull over and masturbate into a half-empty Snapple bottle. I did that three times in seven minutes and was still fully aroused.
I picked up my date, and needless to say, the evening was a bust. Not only did I scream out “Fuck me like a real estate broker in 2008” in bed, but I was also stiff as a jackhammer throughout the entirety of dinner. A week has passed, and I still haven’t heard from her. STAYZ HARD is to blame. I’d like a full refund of my money. I thought I could trust your product, your company, and the jacked up rhino dry humping a cinderblock volcano on the bottle. I was wrong.