1. What side do you pick when you’re mom and dad are getting a divorce?
Suicide, because it’s all your fault!
2. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because you left the coop open you little shit, now go get me a beer.
3. Knock, Knock!
Shoulda pulled out of your mamma a little sooner.
4. A man walks into a bar… and drinks to forget what a disappointment his children are.
5. What’s black and white and red all over?
Your new puppy after Dad finds a dog turd in his shoe.
6. When is it time to go to the dentist?
When you get a job and can pay for your own fucking braces.
7. How many seconds are there in a year?
Thirteen: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd and if you don’t finish your homework THIS second then I’m getting my belt!
8. How do you make a hormone?
Tell her that her meatloaf sucks and that you’re banging your secretary.
9. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano but you can’t tune out your mom begging your dad not to go fishing with his buddies on their anniversary.