Dear Penthouse TSA Security

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I know this sounds cliché, but it started just like any other day. I was stationed right past the metal detector, being unnecessarily surly and practically finger-fucking anyone who tried to sneak a bottle of Pert Plus on an airplane. You know, being a hero.

Right when I was smashing some guy’s sack against his thigh for not knowing whether the shoes are supposed to go in the bin or not, I saw her. Jesus, she was everything I had ever wanted. Sure she was deathly ill and being pushed forward in a wheelchair by her family, but I just had to know what was under that rumpled sweat suit.

She was fast-tracked through the security line on account of her being gravely sick, but I was on to her game. Not so fast, my little chickadee. When she rolled past the metal detector, my heart fluttered. She was silent, but her eyes said it all too clearly: “I soiled my diaper extra for you big boy.” And I wasn’t about to argue as my thick member tugged at the fabric of Cinnabon-stained pants.

As she was almost past my grasp, I finally got my courage up. Mustering all of my politeness and charm, I called out to her, “Hey bitch, what’s in your fucking pants?” Her family looked stunned, probably because of my huge public erection. She, on the other hand, barely moved. I knew it, I was in.

So to get her revved up, I start patting down her legs. But how could I get us alone to take things to the next level? That’s when inspiration struck. I poked at her puffed-up diaper and explained that there was no way I could be sure that she wasn’t a threat to America without seeing whether those Pampers were filled with feces or C4.

I don’t want to kiss and tell – because she seemed like a classy lady – but let’s just say that her previous meal at Baja Fresh wasn’t the only thing that exploded that day. However, lest any ladies reading this think that I am not a generous and sensitive lover, you should also know that after we finished, I cradled her in my arms, checking her for bombs over and over.

My dick and I both hope she’s flying round-trip.

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