Drug Test

Dear Shane,

Things have been really bad with my girlfriend lately. We adopted a dog, and kinda forgot to feed it while she was on a trip. Luckily, it didn’t die, but it almost died and long story short, is now in custody of ASPCA. I’ve gotten over it, but she’s been lording it over me, and I’m really sick of hearing about it.

I can feel us being on the brink of a breakup, but here’s the kicker: my office just announced that they’re going to have a random drug test sometime in the next few months, and I was planning on using my girl’s urine. I actually hadn’t asked her about it yet, but we live together, and it would be easy enough to steal. Don’t get me wrong, it’ll be tricky, but I think I’ve concocted a few doable options.

As you can understand, I’m worried that if we break up, she’ll move out, and it’ll be super hard to get access to clean urine. It probably goes without saying, but abstaining from drug use for a month is just not an option for me. I’d ask a buddy, but we all have pretty similar lifestyles, and there’s def not a clean bladder in the bunch.

So I’m faced with a series of questions: do I hold on to the relationship until the drug test passes? If not, is there a way for us to break up and ensure we keep living together? And if THAT doesn’t work out, is there a way for me to break into her new abode and steal clean urine? Do I just find a new girlfriend? If so, how do I make sure her urine is clean? Asking for a cup of urine early in a relationship seems like a recipe for failure, but I’ll do what I gotta do.

At the end of the day, I’m very open to suggestions and willing to get creative.

– Urine Trouble


Dear Urine Trouble,

Whenever I think maybe I should just get a normal desk job, I hear shit like this, and remember I’m just not cut out for it. If anybody gets to inspect my pee, it’s definitely not The Man. Maybe a lady if I’m getting freaky though. JK. I don’t mess with golden showers. LOL.

My first question for you is: how bad would it really be if you lost your job? Once I got fired from my job at Sbarro, and at first I thought it was the end of the world, but then I realized I could start collecting unemployment and shit. And the best part of that shiz is NO BOSS. So basically you’re getting paid to do nothing except smoke dank shit without worrying about a tinkle inspection.

I mean, once my mom did it because I was living at home and left my bong out (which was super sweet btw, had mermaids painted on it and shit), but hopefully that’s a situation you won’t find yourself in. If you’re wondering, my mom agreed she wouldn’t come in the basement and mess with my stuff anymore; her basement, my rules.

On the off-chance that you do like your job, and the on-chance that you can’t stand this chick anymore, I’m wondering if you can’t use the breakup as a tool to score some clean piss. Emotions are guaranteed to be high, which might make it a great time to ask her for a urine sample.

Just make her feel really guilty, like think of a time when you were hurt, then hit her with: “The LEAST you can do is give me a cup of clean urine.” Who would EVER see that coming? Plus, if you’re never gonna see each other again, I don’t see why she wouldn’t give it to you for one last hurrah. Try to get her pumped full of fluids before you pick a fight; she’ll probably be more emotional if she’s drunk anyway.

However, if you go that route, I suggest looking into how long urine keeps. If your work slaps you with the test five months from now, will they be able to tell that shit is some old pee? Freezing it is a good option, but there also might be complications with the melting phase that changes the pee’s DNA or something. All I know is that life throws you a curve ball sometimes.

If after considering these options, you still want to play it safe and keep her around, there are def some excuses you can use for needing her urine. Once, when I stole a cop’s Segway and then fell off it, I scraped my knee pretty bad, and my buddy insisted on pissing on my wound. At first I thought he was gay, but apparently that shiz is sterile. So I’m wondering if you just ever so slightly cut yourself, explained the sterile thing to her, asked her to pee on it, and also somehow had your limb hanging over a Tupperware? If you’re bleeding, I doubt she’ll ask many questions.

As a last resort, you could also experiment with golden showers. Like I said, I don’t really fuck with that, but it might be the best way to get her to pee on you without raising suspicions.



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