Dear Shane Keep Talking Woman

Dear Shane,

It takes a lot for me to approach women I’m interested in, but I finally worked up the courage today. Everything was going great, until the unexpected happened: she told me she was busy and didn’t have time to talk to me.

This all started two hours ago at Peet’s Coffee, where I’m the weekend manager. She’s by far the hottest customer that’s been in today, though I wouldn’t go so far as to say week. I offered her a free cappuccino scone (don’t worry—since it was in our day-old bakery bin, Peet’s didn’t lose out on any sellable items), and her exact words were “Ok, sure.” Obviously, she was totally into me. 

Since the signals were all there, I figured I’d walk over to her table and chat her up. That’s when she hit me with “Sorry, I’m kind of busy right now.” And here’s the kicker: this chick didn’t look important at all. Maybe I’m just a romantic, but in my opinion, you drop everything for true love, especially if you’re not that important.

Flash forward to two hours later, and she’s still ignoring me, despite the fact that I’ve been talking to her this whole time. Like an hour in, she put her headphones on, but I’m not totally sure what that means. Normally I’d walk away, but then I’d have to help my coworker who just told me our toilet is clogged. So should stop talking to this chick? Is it possible she’s really that busy?

– Café Au Not Laid


Dear Café Au Not Laid,

Can I get in on that free day-old bakery if I give you a good answer? JK.

In the age of Tinder and Snapchat, it seems like talking to girls should be easier than ever, but with these new technological innovations comes the fact that most girls have laptops. Since the screen is usually facing them and not you, it’s virtually impossible to see exactly what they’re doing, which makes it even more confusing for us dudes.

Lucky for you, my man, your job gives you an advantage. Chicks love power, and as the store manager of a Peet’s Coffee, that means any lady in Peet’s Coffee will be dying to talk to you. Remember, she went to YOUR coffee shop when she could’ve gone to a million others. Think of it this way: when she saw you, she didn’t leave.

But it seems to me there’s a bigger issue here: getting out of cleaning that porcelain throne. I went on a major bender last night while housesitting my uncle’s duplex, so I’m fresh off of plunging mine last night and thus especially identifying with your sitch. Not that I regret ordering that extra Chalupa Supreme, but let’s just say it took more than a few flushes and a bottle of Drano to rectify the situation.

The point is, your number one goal is to not deal with that bathroom mess, and the way I see it, you can combine that with your girl problems and solve BOTH. Honesty is gonna be key here, and I know it’s a little early for that in your guys’ relationship, but you’re gonna have to trust me on this…

What you gotta do is tell her the exact situation. Don’t hold back on graphic images, because this little lady needs to know the EXACT trouble you’re in. Once she hears all the hairy details, she’ll definitely want to help out and talk to you, knowing that she’s doing you a solid while your coworker deals with customers’ solids. It sounds like she’s basically in love with you already anyway.



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