Dear Shane Sperm Bank Job Hop

Dear Shane,

I got laid off two years ago, but it ended up being a blessing in disguise since it prompted me to find a new, more awesome job as a sperm donor. It was the best thing that could’ve happened to me, but lately there have been changes at my current bank that I’m less than happy with.

The reasons are many, but here the three that stick out most: First of all, their porn collection needs a major update. It was great at first, but I don’t know how many more times I can watch Dawson’s Crack. Second of all, they found out I lied about my IQ on my application and threatened to lower the price of my specimen. I don’t need a ton of bargain rate children running around and smearing the family name; if my sperm isn’t going to the best, it’s not going at all. And maybe worst of all, they’ve had a lot of turnover with their staff, which has led to way less attractive female employees. It’s like, how am I supposed to do my best work when they obviously don’t care about the quality of my environment?

At the end of the day, it’s not the worst place to work, so if I do make a move, it has to be to a better sperm bank. I’ve already looked on sites like and, but it seems to be more of an “emerging” marketplace. How do I connect with the best jizz repositories this fine country has to offer? Should I consider cutting out the middleman and going freelance? If so, how do I market my sperm to the right audience?

– Nut Job


Dear Nut Job,

Can we trade jobs lol? I actually looked into it once, but apparently you have to be taller than 5’9.

That said, any job is gonna blow if the environment sucks. I worked at a Blimpie’s for years, which was sweet in the beginning (can’t argue with free meatball parmigianas), but shiz got old after a year and the menu barely changed. Plus, I was dating this girl who worked at Claire’s and the situation got tense when we broke up and she was still trying to hit me up for free paninis. I mean do I look like I’m made of bread? Christ.

But back to your problem: Before you jump ship, I’m thinking maybe you can improve your current circumstances. Have you asked the higher ups if there’s something that can be done about the narsty female staff? I’m sure it’s touchy bc if I know one thing, it’s you never tell a woman she’s busted (ESPECIALLY at work), but I’m feeling confident there’s a polite way it can be done. Like maybe suggest the company buys them makeup kits for their birthdays? I hear contouring can make even the fugliest chicks look like Kate Upton.

Of course there’s always a chance your bosses will be totally unreasonable. People get hungry with power, and I’m sure it’s no different at a sperm bank. If you know you want out, is there any way you could “audit” another sperm bank? I once audited a class in college (long story, but basically I thought it meant you just didn’t take a test. Didn’t realize that also means you get zilch credits). Of course I don’t mean watch dudes jerk off bc, no offense, that would be kinda gay, but just scope out the digs? Might be a good way to get a feel for the place without risking losing your current employment.

If that all goes down the drain, freelancing could def be interesting. It’s a new idea to me, but Steve Jobs built Apple out of his basement, ya know? Your junk aside, this is the same. If you go that route, slap a site together ASAP, then wait for the bites. At the very least, it might find you a gf. Though from what I gathered during my Blimpie era, proceed with a fuckton of caution when mixing business with pleasure. Otherwise, you’ll never be able to work in the same mall again.



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