When you’re young, who you’re friends with is as easy as who’s alphabetically seated next to you in math class, or who also got kicked out of gym class for pretending to give birth to the volleyball. But once you’re out of school, it can be a lot harder to find people to pal around with. Here are some tips to try to make friends as an adult.
Befriend Your Neighbors
Wait till your mailman comes, grab him, tie him up in the basement, then go raid his mail truck. Sorting through your neighbor’s mail will help you identify which ones have similar interests (and some extra spending money on hand) to hang out with. Once you know who you like, accidentally trip and injure yourself on their slippery walkway. Nothing says “let’s spend more time together” like “massive lawsuit!”
Join A Club
Whatever your interests — cooking, reading, intramural adult tetherball — there’s a club for you! But don’t sit in the corner staring at your shoes like you normally would. Instead, be assertive: turn off all the lights and scream, “Active shooter!” to encourage group bonding. Trauma victims stay together!
Meet People Online
Create an online persona and take time to cultivate it, making sure that you sign up for and actively participate in multiple websites. Whatever you care most about, make sure that you represent the opposite of that. Are you Feminist? Now you’re John Slutkiller the MRAhole. Love animals? Call yourself Ivanka Deville and rant about your love of sport hunting and desire to taste the winner of a kitten fight.
Keep this persona going for a year so that you’re established and not a johnny-come-lately troll, then publish an article spitting in the face of your true passions. See who fights hardest to destroy you online, then as yourself, ask them to co-write a response piece. Boom! Insta-bestie!
Discover Shared Interests
If you really want to make friends as an adult, you need to connect with people who laugh about the same things you do. Set fire to your local fire station and wait to see which passerby chuckles at the irony.
As with love, before you can befriend others you must befriend yourself. Listen to your inner voices. Give some of the voices accents, names. Dress differently depending on whether you’re feeling more like Cheryl or Rainn today. Confide in yourself and ignore anyone who says they’re “worried about you” or “are you talking to that doll” or “holy shit did you invite that doll as your plus one to my wedding?!” If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else; can I get an Amen?
Put In The Time
Friends are often the people you spend the most time with, so who’s a better friend than the person you eat with, sleep near and see every day? That’s right, your cellmate! Getting sent to jail shouldn’t be too difficult, but as the world is unfair, if you’re an older white male, you might find this harder. We suggest wearing gloves and a ski mask during your crime spree to cover up your prison-avoiding privilege!
See A Show
Leave the TV on while you drink at home. Sure, it won’t listen to you or care about your needs. But let’s be honest, we’re talking adult friends here, so it’s close enough.