Jaden Smith Hot Dog

It’s mine! I don’t care if you were in The Pursuit Of Happyness with your dad. What makes you think you can just grab people’s food???!?

Jaden, I don’t mean to be a dick, but that dog kind of meant a lot to me today. Things haven’t been going so well for me lately — they really haven’t. And then you rolled up on your skateboard (hoverboard? I didn’t get a great look at it, honestly) and “yoink!” swiped my lunch.

You just grabbed my frank out of my hand, bruh. Do you think I care about your burgeoning career in… what is it you do again?

Did your parents teach you and Willow that it’s okay to grab people’s food? Cuz it kinda seems like it. My parents certainly didn’t teach me that. I know I’m not from fancy “Hollywood, California” or anything like that. But it’s not like we’re all a bunch of idiots in the Midwest, that’s for sure.

Jaden, I don’t care that you wear untraditional clothing, I don’t care that you didn’t go to regular high school, and I don’t care that you don’t follow any certain religion. I care that you think you’re better than me because of those things. And I certainly care that you stole my hot dog. I paid 3 bucks for that, dick!

Where’d you go afterwards in such a hurry, by the way? To go design clothes? Invest in a tech startup? Play music? Act in another shitty M. Night Shyamalan vehicle? Steal more people’s hot dogs?!? Honestly, I hope it’s none of those things. I fucking hope it’s none of ‘em.

By the way, Jaden (and you can pass this on to the family), I watched the Oscars this year. Sat at home and watched ‘em. FUCKING SUE ME. I wouldn’t even care so much if you hadn’t stolen my damn hot dog.

I don’t know you, Jaden Smith. I don’t. But I’ve read an interview you did, and a few of your tweets, and I have to say, based on those, that I think you’re insufferable. I truly do. And now you’ve stolen my hot dog. So where do we go from here?

You’re not as special as you think you are, asshole.

And give me back my hot dog.

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