Is your father a work-a-holic? An alcoholic? Was he a submarine commander who never came back from the war? It doesn’t matter what kind of absentee father your father was–these fun Mardi Gras tricks will get your dad’s attention before you can say “all I’ve ever wanted is your love!”
1: Taking Your Shirt Off
This is the most obvious, the most direct, and possibly the most effective cry for a father’s love. The number of beads you get is directly proportional to the likelihood that your dad will take you on that fishing trip like he always promised.
2: Partially Taking Your Shirt Off
A little coyer than the first move, this Mardi Gras party trick says, “I want to take my shirt completely off, but I’m worried my dad won’t approve. Dad are you paying attention? Dad? I’m about to take my shirt off in public, Dad!”
3: Taking Your Shirt Off On A Balcony
You’ll be just like Juliette, except instead of one Romeo below there are about 30 and they’re all named something like “Brad” and they’re all going to see you next week in freshman psych. Maybe one of them will post a Mardi Gras album on Facebook and then your dad will see it and he’ll insist you transfer to a school closer to home.
4: Showing One Boob
This one is perfect for the girl with mis-matched breasts. You can live without buying bras off the rack, just like you can live without knowing if your dad will be sober enough to walk you down the isle or if you’re going to have to ask your mom’s new boyfriend, Jerry.
5: Making Out With A Girl
What is this against your religion or something, Dad? No, really, I’d love to know more about your religious beliefs. Want to grab a coffee and talk about it this week? Oh no that’s okay I know this is a busy time of year for you.
6: “Accidentally” FaceTime Your Dad While Doing Any Of The Above
WOOOOOO OMG TRISH JUST LET SOME DUDE MOTORBO… Oh Dad? I must’ve FaceTimed you by accident! But while I have you, how’s your new family in Phoenix? Are you coming to visit soon? Have you been reading the report cards I sent you?
7: Use Tricks 1-6 To Appear On Girls Gone Wild
Use this trick to reach a wider audience if you don’t know exactly where and/or who your dad is. Maybe, one day the man who contributed half of your DNA will turn on the TV and boom he’ll see an infomercial for Girls With Low Self-Esteem and maybe he’ll recognize you and regret missing all those ballet recitals. Or more likely not, but at least you’ll get a free t-shirt.