It’s finally here! The biggest drinking day of the year! The beers are green, the bars are packed, and for once, you have an excuse to pound a cold one on your lunch hour like a goddamn adult. Make this the most epic St. Patrick’s Day of all time with these simple tips:
Wear Festive Garb
You don’t have to be full blown Irish to celebrate this special day. Pick up a sheleighleigh at the dollar store, or grab a button that says “Kiss Me! I’m Irish!” Who knows, you might get a peck from a cute young lass, or maybe you’ll at least get your wife to agree to treat you to the luxury of human contact for once. Jameson on the rocks, please!
Find An Authentic Irish Pub
It’s bound to be crowded on this special day, but it’s worth the wait to celebrate in a venue that is reminiscent of the motherland. Ideally, there will be someone there who’s good at playing bagpipes because at least one of you—woof, that shot went down rough—followed through on your dreams.
Order An Irish Car Bomb
Sure, the “P.C. Police” may tell you that naming a drink after a longstanding series of terrorist attacks is insensitive, but let me tell you what: you can take your sensitivity and shove it up my arse. That’s Irish for ass. Put another shrimp on the barbie, you know what I mean? One more round!
Listen To The Drop Kick Murphys
Did I ever tell you that I was a track star in high school? State champion. Sorry. That was mostly just a burp. But that’s… that’s the thing the wife never remembers. I’m a decorated athlete. A little respect would be nice. You know how the girl gets. What do you mean, my card’s declined?
Eat Corned Beef And Hash
I’m gonna text my boss I that love her.
Make A Wish On A Four Leaf Clover
Oh, hey, look at that. I was supposed to be at work today. What day is it? Fired? Ha! They wanna fire me? That’s fine. I know what I’m worth. Bushingtons neat, sweetheart. Hahahahaha you’re cute when you’re mad.
Dance On A Table Top!
You’re not the fucking boss of me. Getyourhandsoff me. I’m an American U.S.A. citizen and I have rights. Fine I’m gonna go in your car but only because you handcuffed me one more Guinness where is the waitress. I’m gonna sex the waitress. Occifer, you want a round? Comeon even copsgotta celebrate on Christmas.
Drink Plenty Of Water
I used to have people who loved me. Also, I think I just shat blood.
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