If Im Being Totally Honest

Pictured: Darrell, self-proclaimed sex god.

I love my wife, I love being a dad, and I love working in computer programming, but if I really dig deep down inside myself, and ask myself what I truly desire more than anything, the answer is clear: to be a sex god.

This was a difficult revelation for me to recognize; it required a lot of soul searching and self-awareness on my part. But you can’t run from yourself forever, which is why I feel so much pride in my realization that it is my true and honest wish to be a total bone king.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m a family man, first and foremost. My wife and daughter are the most important things in my life. They always have been, and they always will be. But I can’t lie to myself — there’s something else there. That something else? Me, being a god of sex.

As a sex god, I’d have sex with a ton of people. Men, women, etc., you name it. It’d be easy to get people to have sex with me, too. I’d give a sultry glance, and the women would swoon and the men would grunt. “Would you like to have sex with me?” I would ask, and they would reply: “Yes, absolutely.”

“He’s a legend,” they’d say afterwards, reverentially, their knees still trembling.

I haven’t quite made up my mind about what kind of sex god I want to be, but I’ve narrowed it down to three: a strong, silent one; a mysterious/unpredictable one; or one of the more aggressive and wise-cracking sort. Maybe I’ll ask Debra (my wife of 34 happy years!) for her advice? On second thought, maybe not. Hoo boy! That’d be a conversation.

Technically speaking, my sex would be flawless. It would continue for 45 minutes or more, and I’d never lose my boner. For my partner, it would seem like fireworks were going off inside as I engaged them in every kind of hot lovemaking imaginable. Afterwards, I’d hop back in my Civic and go pick up Julia from soccer or her oboe lesson, depending on the day (Wednesdays are oboe, Tuesdays and Fridays are soccer).

I’d have sex in all kinds of places and at all times of the day. A sample scenario of this is: my partner (for that day!) would say: “But Darrell! It’s 2pm, and we’re in the library!” “Who cares?” I’d say, because I’d be a sex god, and time and place would be of no importance when there’s sex on my mind. The one place I would not have sex is at my work. I greatly value that job. They have treated me with dignity and respect for over 25 years.

There’s a lot of things to be thankful for in this life. But for every blessing, there’s another goal to be set. And I couldn’t be happier, now that I finally know what mine is.

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