QUIZ: How Will Your Rapist Walk Free?

Whether they’re white, privileged, wealthy, an athlete, or a classic mix of all four, Take this quiz to find out how your rapist will eventually avoid responsibility for their heinous crime:

1. What does your rapist do on his day off?

   1. Stares at his food bowl while his dad grills him up a nice, juicy steak.
   2. Swims a few laps as he imagines women in bikinis cheering him on.
   3. Wait, rapist? What’s that?
   4. Sits in a hammock while his tutor writes his essay.

2. What is your rapist’s favorite time of day?

   1. When daddy drops a pretzel and he gets to eat it off the ground!
   2. During class, when he’s actually asleep in his dorm.
   3. Every morning when he acts out winning an Olympic medal at his bathroom mirror.
   4. Why do you keep saying that word, “rapist”? We don’t understand.

3. When faced with a challenge, what does your rapist do?

   1. Please stop referring to that young, talented man as a rapist.
   2. Gets a stool so he can reach the daddy’s secret cookie jar.
   3. Swims gooder.
   4. Says, “Can you, just, not?”

4. How does your rapist deal with disappointment?

   1. Cries because he'll never be good enough for daddy.
   2. Tells his lawyer to fix it.
   3. “Rapist” is an icky word. Can you just use man who enjoys having sex?
   4. Quietly stares at his best lap times and reminds himself he DESERVES to win.

5. What was your rapist’s favorite school subject as a kid?

   1. Lunch.
   2. Recess.
   3. Before we ruin his life by calling him a rapist, what were you wearing that night?
   4. Pretending to have a stomach ache and going to the nurse’s office.

6. Who does your rapist look up to?

   1. Are you sure he’s a rapist and not just a misunderstood romantic? And also, the Duke Lacrosse team.
   2. That shelf with all the good chips.
   3. Machiavelli, that clever bastard.
   4. His future self, an Olympic gold medalist.

7. What is your rapist’s dream home?

   1. A home where daddy doesn’t keep hiding all the snackies!
   2. A skyscraper with a golden statue of a swimmer on top.
   3. Is using “rapist” necessary? Can’t we use the term “bright, promising, athlete?"
   4. Don't you mean dream homeS?

8. Why do you insist on ruining your rapist's life like this?

   1. You have daddy issues, which isn't his problem.
   2. You clearly have a chip on your shoulder about student athletes.
   3. This is a classic case of you "not being able to hang" with the guys. It's not his fault you got so drunk! Boys will be boys.
   4. Do you know who is father is?

He swims away!

Before your rapist is even brought to court, he will swim off and disappear into the sunset. You’ll never get justice for his disgusting acts, but boy, that butterfly stroke was fast! We’ve never seen anything like that! He must have broken some sort of record while escaping responsibility for his actions. Somebody get that guy a trophy! Wait, what were we talking about?

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He gets hungry!

About halfway through trial, your rapist will suddenly be overcome with the need to eat a whole rib-eye steak. You may have been sexually assaulted, but that’s peanuts compared to a man’s hunger for meat. Mmm, he likes peanuts, too! The ones they sell at baseball games. Could you pick some of those up for him, as well as the most expensive cut of meat you can find? This boy is hungry, and that takes priority!

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He doesn’t want to!

While facing a possible 10 year sentence, your rapist expresses that he doesn’t want to. The judge finds this argument--a man simply not wanting to admit he committed a crime--to be completely valid, and he sets your rapist free. You may have all the evidence and testimonies necessary to prove your rapist is guilty, but it just can’t compete with a privileged, white man who just doesn’t want to!

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Rape isn’t a real thing!

So it turns out rape doesn’t exist! Weird, right? Your rapist can’t be convicted of something that most of the population doesn’t think actually happens. So he goes free! It’s a bummer, sure, but what can you do? Next time you get raped, make sure you get "rape raped" instead of just half-raped.

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