Staycations Couch

See how much fun this is?

Let’s paint the scene: It’s Spring Break or Winter Break or Summertime – any of the big moments during the year when, if you haven’t already used up all your personal days for prank calling exes or crying in the bath, you can head off to some fun-filled vacation. Maybe it’s a Caribbean island, or a week of skiing.

Perhaps you’ve saved up for three fun-filled days at an elite masturbatoreum in San Tropez. Who can say? We’re not your travel agent, and even if we were, we probably wouldn’t talk about your masturbatory getaways.

Sadly, all these things take money, and in these tough economic times, for many of us a vacation just means not going to work or school. That’s not the end of the world — many wonderful times have been had on the cheap with just Netflix and a bag of glue. But what to do with that jerk who wants to know where you’re going?

You know the one — the one who’s still got a tan from their last cruise (and possibly Chlamydia). You tell them, “Oh, nothing much, just staying local.” “Oh, a staycation?” he asks, with a patronizing smile. Yes, a “staycation.” We get it. It’s a pun. It rhymes and it’s a fun, delightful way to say we have no money and no ability to afford any of the fun things you no doubt have planned for your time off, you dirty, cliché-spewing, jackass.

But why stop at “staycations?” There are many more ways to make being too poor to leave the house sound cute and wacky. So let’s shake it up. Here are more things you can do for no money while still having fun with words!

5. “Visiting Whine Country”

Crying Man

“Congratulations, this will be your job for the next 45 years of your life.”

Walking tours and tastings at vineyards are a fun and educational way to get slowly blitzed while arguing about who’s turn it is to drive home. But sorry, that’s for the one percent. Instead, you can stay home and complain about not having the funds to go to Napa.

Besides, who’s to say that box of wine in the fridge isn’t every bit as good as what those snobs are drinking.

4. “Hitting the Snopes”

Man On Computer

“Oh my God! JFK was shot by sewer gators!”

Unexpected turns and a biting chill will surely greet you when you stay home checking for conspiracy theories explaining why you never have enough money to go skiing. Best of all, you’ll still get the sensation you’re definitely going downhill fast.

3. “Staying In An All-Intrusive Resort”

Parents With Picture

“These are the children we wanted.”

Man, those all-inclusive resorts are the best! You roll out of bed at noon into a mimosa and massage by the pool. Then there’s the sunbathing, entertainment, and gourmet meals, all included in your getaway package — if you can afford it, which you can’t.

So instead, head off to your parents’ place and put up with a week’s worth of intrusive questions in return for free room and board. With enough of whatever those pills in your dad’s medicine cabinet were, your mom’s interrogation into your dating life will start to sound like the crashing surf of some tropical shore in no time.

2. “Going Siteseeing”

Woman In Bed With Laptop

This could be your life, if you study hard and work long hours.

Instead of traveling to exotic and beautiful locales to witness all their indigenous beauty, you can just Google pretty websites online (is that headline in Hellenic Wide? Ooooh). The one major drawback with this phrase is that the listener won’t realize you’re not just saying “sightseeing,” so if you do plan on using this zinger, be sure to carry a print-out explaining homonyms at all times.

1. “Going on a Cruz”

Ted Cruz In Toilet

Not one drop will ever hit the seat if you do this, guaranteed.

Sure, it would be great to take your loved ones on a high seas luxury vacation, but that’s just not in the cards this year. So feel free to relieve yourself of self-loathing (and urine) on a picture of Republican Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz.

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