It’s the last stretch before Christmas, and that means you only have a few more days to say “Ho, ho, ho!” while you go home and drink yourself into a senseless oblivion, only to have to do it again the next day. Here are some helpful tips to help you avoid that outburst that got you fired at your last mall Santa job.
1: Forget How Much You Hate Children
After your shift, you can go terrorizing your neighbors’ kids all you want, but for the next eight hours, you’re getting paid to not do that. Rein it in. Tell these brats what they want to hear and walk home with your $88.
2: Hide Your Tattoos
Because you still haven’t figured out a child-friendly way to answer the question, “Why is there a naked lady riding a flaming skull on your arm?”
3: Remember How Close You Are To A Food Court
You’re grabbing every single free sample from Panda Express after this. We heard they’re passing out orange chicken samples today. That’s a holiday in itself.
4: Reward Yourself With Alcohol
Yes, they’re all assholes, but these little assholes’ parents can get you fired as quickly as you can run over to that T.G.I. Fridays for 11 Hendricks Coolers immediately after this.
5: Treat Yourself To A Hat At Lids
After wearing that god-awful Santa cap all day, you deserve to hide your bald spot with something a little more you.
6: Leave The Gun At Home
Yes, it’s your right to bear arms. We’re not gonna tell you no on that. But the temptation to end it all is gonna be strong today. Better to be safe.
7: Forget About Jenna
You can’t control your ex-wife, but focus on the things you can control. Like resisting every single part of you that wants to body slam this little fucker to the ground.
8: Remember How Goddamn Hard It Was To Get The Pardon On Your Criminal Record
You happened to know a guy who knows a guy down at City Hall. But he was very specific about only doing this once.
9: Don’t Bring Up The War
This never goes well. Just don’t do it.
10: Hold On Just A Little Longer
This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
11: Promise Yourself You’ll Never Do This Again
It’s not worth it. It never is. But here you are again dressed up in a crushed velvet suit and fake white beard. Just like the last 11 years.
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If you enjoyed this insight into the lives of Mall Santas you should check out Runt of the Web’s exposé on Mall Santas Dressed As Pedophiles Dressed As Mall Santas