Trump Sexual Harassment

Prominent Republican party members have recently been coming forward to condemn Trump’s lewd statements condoning sexual assault. Many have called for his resignation, claiming that such deplorable comments have no place on the Presidential stage; and they absolutely should not be coming from the mouth of an individual who has never played a varsity sport in his life.

House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) was among the most vocally disgusted by the comments:

“Trump’s comments are absolutely, quite simply, despicable. He’s neither fast nor strong enough to get away with such disgusting slander.”

“Now, if he wasn’t rich and white I would have voiced my criticisms a long time ago,” Ryan continued, “But now, I mean, look at the guy. It’s not like he could catch a ball or run down a field if he tried. Does he really think he can get away with speaking so openly about sexual assaulting women?”

Politicians across the republican party have agreed that the comments were so heinous, it was unwise to have said them without first breaking a school record or claiming a national title.

“It’s only locker room talk if you’ve ever actually set foot in a locker-room, Mr. Trump. This is outrageous,” Sen. John McCain said, voicing his disgust at the candidate’s remarks.”

“Hey bitch tits,”  Former Florida Senator Jeb Bush tweeted Friday, “I respect women way too much to allow you to make those comments without having at least one a three legged race at Field Day or something. Narc.”

In apology for the comments, Trump has offered to buy the New York Jets in attempt to compensate for his lack of athletic prowess.

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