Uber Butt Chug

Following years of allegations that transportation service Uber encourages a “frat boy” corporate culture, the current and temporary CEO of the company, Dara “D-Money” Khosrowshahi, has announced a stricter code of ethics to be butt-chugged by employees as of earlier this week.

“It’s important that we take these types of things seriously now,” explained Uber board member Jason Korn in a recent statement to the press. “Whether it’s butt-chugging, keg standing, shotgunning, funneling, snorkeling, or beer-bonging the code of ethics, it doesn’t really matter, as long as our employees know that this is serious business.”

Kathryn Bateman, a mid-level accountant for Uber, felt that “things were getting a little loose around here,” in reference to the several instances of sexual harassment she had been exposed to in the workplace.

“It’s just always good to see changes coming from the top down, even if we need to funnel the literal code of ethics into our anus in front of a chanting crowd of co-workers,” she said.

Now in charge, Khosrowshahi hopes to lead the company in a new direction.

“Before I got here you couldn’t walk 20 feet without seeing a sexually explicit poster in a cubicle or experiencing daily blatant sexual harassment,” he said.

“By grinding up this new code of ethics into a fine powder, mixing that with 80 proof vodka, and gently pouring it all into a funnel linked to 37 feet of plastic tubing spiraling down an open balcony and into the waiting anuses of our employees, we mark a new chapter in our company, together.”

News website Business Insider is now reporting that online food ordering company Grub Hub has taken Uber’s lead, and will be soaking their code of ethics in tampons to be inserted into their employees for faster absorption.

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