Are you and your significant other in a rut? Been together so long you can’t remember why you got together in the first place? Find yourself plotting ways to ruin his career and life, but never following through? It’s only natural to settle into a routine when you’ve been with somebody for a long time, but comfort is the death of innovation. Without innovation there can be no growth. Stop doing the same old things, and start bring some excitement back to your relationship with these 7 sexy Valentines Day tips.
1: Act Like Strangers
You’ve stopped doing the little things like dressing up for each other or speaking. Remedy that by buying tickets to a Valentines Day masquerade ball and arriving separately. Then ignore him and flirt with other men. Soon you’ll be fighting over something other than finances, and fanning the flames of your love with every spite filled word.
2: Go Dancing
“Fake it till you make it” doesn’t only apply to careers and parenting – it can work wonders for your relationship too. As far as faking love goes, taking MDMA is a fantastic trick. Use this fun little serotonin-norepinephrine-dopamine releasing agent to help you forget, even temporarily, that listening to him chew pizza makes you want to fucking kill yourself.
3: Take A Drive
Dust off that mixed tape he made when you first started dating and hit the open road this Valentines Day. Use the time together to tell him you weren’t even drunk when you slept with his best friend. You just needed to see any penis that wasn’t his. The angry, vengeful sex you’ll have after the revelation is sure to bring back some heat.
4: Try Something New
Like picking up a hitchhiker. Then ditch the body outside of town. Nothing brings back passion between lovers quite like the thrill of taking a human life. The shared secret will bring you closer than ever, and keep you that way if you want to avoid jail time.
5: Get Matching Tattoos
Pain and pleasure are undeniably intertwined for you, but mostly because you get so much pleasure from seeing him in pain. Start your night by watching him squirm, and maybe later he’ll make you do the same.
6: Treat Yourselves
You haven’t been able to afford expensive gifts in a while, but who needs money when you have a crowbar and the addresses of wealthy neighbors? They’ll be out celebrating Valentines Day by watching 50 Shades of Grey, so spend your night relieving them of their valuables and forging a bond based on deceit and burglary.
7: Make It Eternal
Is there anything sexier than dying together, on your own terms? Wipe the slate clean by leaping into the void at the same time. You haven’t figured out how to make it work in this life, but whatever comes next has to be easier. Except he doesn’t believe in anything and you believe in something. You two can never agree.