We get it – you’re depressed. Depression doesn’t have to define you, though, and with the help of these ten tricks and tips, you might actually be able to overcome this bottomless pit of despair. Probably not though, because you are literally the WORST:

  1. Set goals, dummy: When you’re depressed, you may feel like you can’t accomplish anything. To be fair, you haven’t accomplished much, but maybe you can accomplish a little more if you set a goal or two, you piece of shit.
  1. Exercise, you idiot: Just don’t focus on how difficult it is for you, or how most other people have better bodies.
  1. Write down things that make you happy, like some kind of needy freak: Get some faggy little notebook or whatever and jot down a little note whenever you feel not-like-shit.
  1. Meditate, weirdo: I mean, I never would. When I see people doing that, sitting all still, minds all blank, it gives me the willies, man. But go ahead and try it, I dunno.
  1. Try herbal remedies: You know — the type you might buy from someone at a Phish concert. You can tell that those folks really have it figured out, because they live in vans.
  1. Try out an attitude of gratitude: You seem like you’d get a little kick out of stupid rhyming phrases, you basic moron.
  1. Stay away from social media: It only serves to perpetuate the idea that every single one of your friends is having more fun than you. In your case, this is true. So definitely stay away, loser.
  1. Don’t view your depression as a personality flaw: Though you have a large number of significant (like, deal-breaker significant) personality flaws, try not to look at depression as being one of those, okay?
  1. Forgive others who have wronged you: Don’t view this as giving in! Somehow this is actually supposed to improve your self-respect.
  1. At the end of the day, just try your very best to think positive, even if that seems impossible, you talentless fuckwit: Try not to stress out about anything you don’t have to, you useless waste of fresh air. Ignore the facts that artificial intelligence is growing at an inconceivably fast rate, climate change is unlikely to slow down, and that 100 years from now, no one will have any idea who you were. Just live life to the fullest! You fucking suck.
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