Dear Shane

Dear Shane,

I’m an 18-year-old living with my mom, and I just found out my girlfriend of six months, Jenny, is pregnant. She wants to have an abortion, but I strongly believe she should have the baby. That way, we can sell it, make some cash, and then get a sweet place of our own. Since Jenny has a really good face and I’m tall with a high metabolism, this baby is gonna be hot and worth a pretty penny.

But there’s one more hitch: she cheated on me with my best friend Travis, which means he might be the father. So even if she has the baby, Travis could be the one making bank off it. Obviously this is a huge trust issue.

Anyway, I feel confident in my ability to talk Jenny out of an abortion, but how do I guarantee my legal ownership of—and thus right to sell—the baby?

– Million Dollar Baby Daddy


Dear Million Dollar Baby Daddy,

Wow, man, that’s rough. I never got someone pregnant, but I did have a condom break once and had to go to Walgreens at 2 AM to buy Plan B (the chick insisted). To make it an even bigger fucking headache, that shit was $50, which sent me into overdraft territory and of course Bank of America just kept piling the charges on. But what I like about you is that you’re viewing a similar situation as an entrepreneurial opportunity. Way to be glass-half-full on this one.

I guess my first question for you is how much do you trust Travis? Since you’re the one who’s put time into dating Jenny, your investment should give you ownership of the baby, no matter whose sperm started this situation. Does that mean it’s guaranteed? If Travis isn’t a reasonable dude, he might think he’s the one who can profit on this baby, which means you’re still living with your mom while he cashes in.

So what I’d do first is take a paternity test. If it’s yours, the problem is solved right there, and the baby is yours to sell. But if it’s Travis’, that’s trickier. Maybe you could split the profit. Not ideal, but better than nothing. My stepdad, who’s annoying, but I can’t deny the dude is smart, is always talking about negotiation. Start high, maybe 85% for you and 15% for Travis. (Jenny might want some too, but it’s better to leave her out of this part to keep her stress-free and capable of carrying a healthy, and therefore highly profitable, baby to term.) Once it’s all figured out, get that shiz on paper.



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