Hot Water With Lemon
When it comes to natural remedies, hot water with lemon is apparently the holy grail. It seems miraculous! Don’t we all want to flush out toxins while getting our digestive juices flowing?! Of course we do! It’s just too bad that it comes down to drinking a hot cup of lemon water.
Teeth looking dingy-as-fuck, but not trying to buy one of those expensive whitening kits? Or go to the dentist? Or even just brush them with regular toothpaste? Turn to the healing power of turmeric! Long-celebrated for it’s antioxidant properties, this miracle spice can also be used to whiten teeth, assuming you don’t mind brushing your teeth with the thing about Indian food that makes some people not like Indian food.
Got a dirty home and body? Look no further than that bottle of vinegar the last tenant left in the back of the cupboard you never use. If you don’t mind having your entire house, hands, and inside of your mouth smelling like an old pair of the dirtiest socks you’ve ever had the misfortune of smelling, then vinegar as a cure-all is just the solution for you!
If you’re stressed out, look no further than the magic of herbal tea! And we’re not talking about that pussy-ass Celestial Seasonings chamomile, we’re talking real deal shit right now. Marjoram. Dandelion root. The sweet, sweet sting of a clump of stinging nettles. We’re not entirely sure how any of these weeds work in de-stressing one’s mind after a long day, but if you happen to be anxious about having to shitting your pants in public, this will help take care of that before you even step foot out of the house.
Lips chapped? Try applying a slick of olive oil. It has this great way of working itself all over your entire face, hands, hair and clothes as well, so if the rest of you happens to be chapped, you’ll really get your penny’s worth with this one! Added bonus: if you happen to be boiling noodles in your mouth, this will help prevent them from clumping together all annoying-like. Score!!
Some people swear by ginger ale to soothe an aching tummy, but ginger ale tastes way too good for anyone looking to solve any physical ailments for the low, low price of three pennies. Ginger, otherwise known as the mysterious pink thing on your sushi plate that, as it turns out, isn’t lox, can easily be made into the most disgusting ice cubes we all hope you’ll never have to taste. Unless of course, spicy ice happens to be your thing. In that case, you’re welcome.
Garlic yeast infection suppository!
Only someone hell bent on not getting their ass to an actual doctor could think of this one. Garlic is well-known for its antibacterial and antiseptic properties, and what’s more bacteria-laden than that hot, endless source of problems otherwise known as a vagina?! Plus, it will probably leave your pussy tasting like a steaming hot slice of pizza, and what’s a party without pizza, right guys?! **To be fair, this one actually works. I mean...so I hear.
If your skin is looking all shitty with age spots and sun spots, or just gross in general, on account of you being an aging piece of shit and all, treat yourself like a big old slab of salmon and squirt some lemon on that mug. The internet will tell you it diminishes dark spots, but honestly though, look around long enough and the internet will tell you whatever you wanna hear.
Plain old water!
When all else fails, which, if we’re talking about these home remedies, they definitely will, keep it simple with a nice refreshing glass of plain old water. Aside from the yellow teeth thing, most of your problems just need to be peed out anyway.