Fitness Hacks

Credit: Runt Composite; IvanMikhaylov/Getty;STHIL

With summer rapidly approaching, there’s one thing on everyone’s mind: Beach Season. We feel the struggle of having spent the past six months lying on your couch covered in a fine layer of Dorito dust watching reruns of Cutthroat Kitchen. But don’t worry: it’s not too late. Here are 6 amazing fitness hacks that will have you rocking a bikini in no time:

1. Hack off your tummy flab!

Nothing gets rid of excess fat like simply sawing it off. Not loving your love handles? A Riyobi 15 Amp 12 inch sliding miter saw with laser is going for $199 at Home Depot right now, but who can put a price on flat, visible, abs?

2. Hack off an arm for a fast 10 pound loss!

It’s already April, and you meant to be far ahead of where you are right now. Your weight loss goal is looking more like a weight loss delusion. Get rid of an arm for a quick 10-15 pound loss, depending on how disgusting and flabby they currently are. WTF do you need a left hand for anyway? It’s not like you’re going to the beach to swim.

3. Hack up your roommate and take her legs for your own.

We can all agree on the biggest threat facing humanity in 2016: cellulite. For you, every day could be Leg Day, and it still wouldn’t matter. Your roommate, on the other hand, spends 18 hours a day binge watching the Freeform network and eating Yodels, and still has the the legs of a Victoria’s Secret angel. Hack them off and take them for your own! She doesn’t appreciate them like you would.

4. Hack up your limbs to rearrange your arms and legs.

You don’t have to tone that tummy to get attention: nothing distracts from problem areas like hips and thighs like having legs where your arms should be, and vice versa! By looking like you crawled directly out of Human Centipede 4, no one will bat an eyelash at that extra three pounds stubbornly clinging to your booty.

5. Hack into The Matrix and change society’s unrealistic beauty standards.

If you put half as much effort into seeking out, identifying, and infiltrating The Matrix we are all assuredly living in as you did into matching your roots, you wouldn’t even have to work out anymore.

6. Become a hack!

If you can get people focused on the fact that you’ve thrown away your writing career in favor of trite, easy, tacky tricks for garnering attention, they’ll be so busy hating you for that that they’ll completely forget to harp on your physical appearance. Do you have any idea how big Carrot Top’s thighs are? Neither do we.

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