Become Very Busy All Of A Sudden
“I don’t know what I’m doing, exactly, but I’m sure doing a lot of it.”
Becoming very busy all of a sudden is an excellent first step to de-friending. When you are very busy, you won’t have time to hang out, text, or talk as much. And when it’s all of a sudden, you can’t be blamed when you “accidentally” miss one of her events! Sample text: “Sorry I missed your BBQ! I just got very busy all of a sudden! Let’s catch up soon!”
Now, how you become busy all of a sudden is completely up to you. You could take on extra work at your job; you could get involved volunteering at a charity; or you could simply decide to binge-watch all twelve seasons of Grey’s Anatomy. The possibilities are endless!
Mute Her On Twitter
“Fuck you, Tina.”
This is extremely important: DO NOT unfollow her on social media. Unfollowing is like launching nuclear weapons at Russia: It will only result in chaos and destruction for you both. Muting is so much better. Fun fact: The Slow Back Away is why the mute button was invented! It’s the perfect way to quietly dismantle a relationship.
I know what you’re thinking: What if something important happens in her life and I don’t know about it because I had her on mute? Just remember, now you are unexpectedly very busy, it stands to reason that you just haven’t been checking social media that often! (Note: you may find that during The Slow Back Away, you will need to manually check her Twitter feed several times per hour just to monitor her movements.)
Lose Your Cellphone
“Whoops.”
One great way to pretend you’re not slowly, methodically cutting someone out of your life is to tell them you lost your phone. Losing your phone is obviously a grave personal crisis that everyone understands. Even with the modern convenience of cloud syncing and backup, adjusting to a new phone can take months.
During this period, you can’t possibly be expected to respond to her calls and texts at a normal rate. Now, I’m not suggesting you lie. There are certainly a lot of people out there who would fake that whole “new phone, who is this?” line. It’s important to be HONEST during this process! I want you to actually lose your phone. Leave it on a bus. Drop it into a sewer drain. Get blackout drunk and just see what happens! The world is your oyster in which to deposit your phone however you see fit.
