5. Leave A Note For UPS That Makes It Appear As If You Left At Some Point
Nothing says “For at least a minimal period of time, my skin was in contact with the sun” like leaving a note for the UPS guy. Leave it taped to the door all day, so Megan thinks you’ve been in and out, or at least feels like she’s off the hook for staging another intervention with your therapist. BONUS: The UPS guy won’t be able to say “Wow! It’s great that you’re always home” again.
6. Make It Look Like You’re Taking Notes About The Show You’re Watching
When you really think about it, how can Megan be so fucking positive that you’re not a television critic? Is she the critic police? 34 minutes into another episode of Intervention, mutter something about “Tragedy porn” and scribble down a note or two.
INSIDER WARNING: This is a risky strategy only recommended for seasoned veterans, as you run the risk of Megan asking to read your article when it’s finished, and subsequently thinking you’re also failing at your pretend job.
7. Boil Water All Day
Leave a pot of water boiling on the stove! This little trick at least gives off the appearance that you’re planning on eating real food, which is not the behavior of a woman who is currently laying under the cushions themselves because the blanket fell behind the couch.
What kind of adult person would subsist solely on Skinny Pop and M&Ms, Megan? Do you really think I don’t know how to boil, like, spinach?
8. Move To A Different Part Of The Couch
When Megan’s not looking, simply scooch on down the couch. Ideally, she assumes you got off your ass for some period of time, but at the very least she’ll know your legs still work.
9. At All Costs, Do Not Let The “Are You Still Watching” Banner Appear
This is CRITICAL. If Megan catches that pop up rear its sanctimonious little head, it’s game over. Diligence and dexterity with the remote are of utmost importance in this situation; do not rest on your laurels and let the little Hulu ticker clock wind down – actively select the next episode, and don’t, for the love of God, ask yourself why you’re still watching Arrow.
