Man Wont Wait Halloween Candy

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Scranton, PA resident Eugene Greer, 43, can be described as three things: a full-time IT technician, an Aries, and a full-blown Halloween lover. Documenting his countdown to October 31 on Facebook since late August, Greer has been patiently awaiting the big night – only this year, trick-or-treat is starting a little early.

“I was just sitting there thinking about cleaning the newspaper in Boomer’s cage, like I would on any normal Sunday, when I got a hankering for one bite of a Mr. Goodbar,” Greer recalls.

Remembering the six bags of assorted Halloween candy purchased to hand out on the frightful night, Greer went against everything he knew and went all in, leaving convention behind in his dust.

“I thought to myself, what’s stopping me? What’s holding me back from opening a bag and treating myself to one bite, or a thousand bites, or even just dumping this giant pile of candy into a pillowcase and eating the whole fucking thing, right now?” Greer asks.

That’s when Greer had his so-called “aha moment,” realizing that he, along with millions of others, had been conditioned into recognizing holidays only by their calendrical standing.

“A holiday is nothing more than a construct created by society, telling people when they can and can’t eat 2,100 grams of sugar in the form of fun-sized candy bars,” Greer said.

“I mean, this is the same society that tells us we can’t register guinea pigs as therapy pets,” Greer said. “The National Service Animal Registry won’t even meet Boomer to see for themselves, and honestly, it’s their loss, but that’s society for you.”

Greer hopes to inspire others to “find their bliss,” encouraging Americans from coast to coast to explore just how far they can both push and marry the boundaries of instant gratification and absolute narcissism.

“I, for one, will not be shamed out of eating upward of 20 pouches of Whoppers, 15 rolls of Smarties and 22 individually wrapped Twizzlers in one sitting, possibly slipping into a diabetic coma in the process, and I hope you won’t either,” Greer stated.

Having began just two days ago, Greer is determined to finish what he’s started, consuming every last piece of Halloween candy nestled snugly within the pillow case, “Even if it kills me,” which it very well may.

“Except for the candy corn,” Greer clarifies. “That stuff is disgusting.”

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