QUIZ: Which Family Member Will You Experience Awkward Sexual Tension With This Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving is nearly here, and you know what that means—spending time in an enclosed space with the family members you’ve been happily avoiding all year! Oh, and also, awkward sexual tension with one of them. But which? Let’s find out!

1. How much are you planning on drinking this Thanksgiving?

   1. Just enough to help me make really bad decisions comfortably.
   2. However much is inside the parental booze cupboard.
   3. Nothing from a glass I haven’t poured myself.
   4. I’ll drink until I’m completely numb, and then have a bit extra just to be sure.

2. Where will you most likely be seated during dinner?

   1. I'll awkwardly sit at the head until my dad gives me a weird look.
   2. In between my spouse and their parents; gotta smooth over any bumps!
   3. I'll probably end up eating most of my meal standing up.
   4. At the kids’ table. Still.

3. What sides will you be bringing?

   1. Warm apple pie.
   2. Biscuits.
   3. A selection of suggestive root vegetables.
   4. Some wine coolers that don't REALLY count.

4. How much will you eat?

   1. Until I hate myself enough to stop caring and then eat even more.
   2. Not too much, I don’t want to look bloated afterwards.
   3. Enough to be polite.
   4. I’m just going to keep shoving food in my mouth so I don’t have to talk to anyone.

5. What’s your favorite family holiday activity?

   1. Playing Twister!
   2. Drinking in the kitchen with the in-laws.
   3. Re-reading through all of my teenage diaries, looking for something I missed.
   4. Long, refreshing walks.

6. How was your love life this year?

   1. I had a few flings, but nothing that seemed like it had a future.
   2. I am this close to swearing off sex and dating entirely.
   3. I am a seething cauldron of empty, bitter despair.
   4. I have successfully gone another year without ruining my relationship!

7. Where do you stand on the issue of inter-family romance?

   1. As far away as possible.
   2. Blood relatives are completely out.
   3. Eh, I’ll take what I can get at this point.
   4. It, like, depends on the circumstances? Don’t judge me.

8. How soon do you expect to see your family again after Thanksgiving?

   1. Wait, there are supposed to be other people in my life? I really need friends.
   2. As soon as possible!
   3. Whenever I’m next obliged to.
   4. Too soon. Even if that means ten years from now.

Your Cousin Who Suddenly Got Hot

This year, your Thanksgiving dinner will be spent in excruciating, palm-sweating embarrassment as everyone around you notices how painfully awkward you act around your suddenly hot younger cousin. There is a 78% chance that someone will catch you Googling “cousins sex legal which states?” so you should probably just leave town now (unless you live below the Mason Dixon Line, in which case, enjoy a holiday season of hot, festive cousin sex, y’all!)

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The Weirdly Attractive Parent-In-Law

They’re 35 years older than you, they smell like clean laundry, and they occasionally drop racist comments into casual conversation without even seeming to realize it. So why are you so flattered when they start drunkenly flirting with you? Is it the booze? The tryptophan? The knowledge that they own their own house and have the mortgage mostly paid off? Just try to remember that the answer to every question you’re currently asking yourself (Could we get away with it? Would my partner ever forgive me? Would I be pleasantly surprised by how firm and supple everything is beneath that Target Christmas sweater?) is no.

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Your Creepy Uncle

Sorry to break it to you, but this year, it’s your turn to fall victim to Uncle Ralphie’s “busy hands.” The hug that lasts that little bit too long; the pat on the back that seems lower than it should be; the twinkly-eyed winks over the mashed potatoes; the wry smile as he adjusts his erection under a table napkin: This will be your Thanksgiving. We’re so sorry.

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The Dog

Sadly, the closest you’re going to get to meaningful flirtation this Thanksgiving is accidentally touching the dog’s penis when you give him a belly rub. On the upside, that’s still a significant improvement over last year.

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