Quiz: Can We Guess Which STD You Are?

By virtue of taking this quiz, you’re probably one of the more abominable human beings out there. But do you mildly inconvenience everyone like herpes, or do you slowly eat away at people’s defenses like AIDS? Take this quiz and find out which sexually transmitted disease you most resemble!

1. Someone has wronged you! Your revenge entails:

   1. Setting the bastard on fire!
   2. Torturing them with passive aggressive mindfucks until they are slowly driven mad.
   3. Showing up at random times to punch them in the face... over and over again.
   4. Hiring an assassin to kill them so I don’t get my hands dirty.

2. The first thing you look for in a lover is:

   1. Gorgeous genitals.
   2. Brains. But they gotta be just soft enough to yield to my bullshit.
   3. A luscious pair of lips.
   4. The size of their wallet.

3. The song you most identify with is:

   1. “Burning Down The House” by the Talking Heads
   2. “Crazy In Love” by Beyoncé
   3. “I'll Stick Around” by the Foo Fighters
   4. Pretty much anything by Kid Rock

4. You see a kid throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of Walmart, what do you say to the child’s parents?

   1. Look, lady, if you don’t shut that kid up I’m going to set him on fire!
   2. Hey, could you please control your child? He’s driving everyone crazy.
   3. Dude, your rug rat is being a buttmunch. Can’t you get him neutered or something?
   4. CONTROL YOUR FUCKING HELLSPAWN OR I WILL GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT AND PISS IN THE HOLES!!!

5. Your favorite way to spend a Friday night is:

   1. Injecting mercury into my genitals and then fapping to hentai GIFs on Tumblr.
   2. Taking mushrooms and watching “Waking Life” with people I met on the street five minutes ago.
   3. Showing up uninvited at my friend's place just as they're about to go out and completely changing their plans.
   4. Watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians on my DVR and trolling bulimic celebrities on Twitter with food porn.

6. If you could have any superpower it would be:

   1. The power of flight so I can take dumps on people’s cars like a giant seagull.
   2. Insane wealth, like Batman.
   3. Telepathy so I can read everyone’s mind, even the dirty thoughts.
   4. The power to sneak into your bedroom while you sleep, steal your wallet, and then sneak out again without getting caught.

7. Your favorite James Bond is:

   1. Sean Connery
   2. Daniel Craig
   3. Pierce Brosnan
   4. Roger Moore

8. Your mom gives you a really ugly sweater for Christmas. Your response is:

   1. Hey, thanks ma, I’ll wear this all the time, and I’m totally not going to burn it when I get home.
   2. WTF? Do I look like Bill Cosby to you?
   3. Awww, you shouldn’t have... had children if you were going to dress them so horribly.
   4. I don’t care if you’re my mother, you better find the receipt for this so I can take it back, or I’ll rupture the other kidney.

9. You've overstayed your welcome at a party, and the host is desperate for you to leave. The only way to get rid of you is to:

   1. Take a shot at me. I usually back off from physical confrontation.
   2. Just ask me nicely.
   3. I'll leave on my own after a while, but I'll never truly be gone.
   4. You might as well make up the guest bed ‘cause I ain't leaving, and nothing you can do will make me.

10. When you have The Talk with your children, what will be the most important piece of advice you give them?

    1. Always use protection.
    2. Only sailors use condoms.
    3. Anal sex doesn't count.
    4. Two in the pink, one in the stink.

You're Gonorrhea!

Otherwise known as "The Clap," spending time with you is basically like hanging out with a searing, painful discharge of urethral rage. You're usually fairly easy to get rid of, but until you’re gone for good, you're nothing but a pain in the dick.

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You're Syphilis!

ou invade people's lives and then slowly drive them crazy over the years until their brains turn to mush. And much like syphilis, people can usually only get rid of you by giving you pills.

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You're Herpes!

You're annoying but manageable, and just when it looks like you're gone for good, you come back at the most inopportune times. Most people will try and pretend you're not there, but like an itchy red cooch blister, you're too painful to ignore.

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You're HIV/AIDS!

You slowly wear people down until they are completely defenseless. Being associated with you isn't an instant death sentence, but all of your friends and family know that eventually you'll be the end of them. You’re unquestionably the worst.

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