OG Sugar Daddy

It’s easy to find a sugar daddy, but it isn’t always easy to keep them. Once you get a taste of how nice it is to have a grandfather figure bankroll your clothes, food, and plastic surgery, you may not even mind letting them touch you every once in a while. Here’s a comprehensive list on how to make sure your sugar daddy thinks that you actually love him and aren’t just in it for iPhone 7 Plus:

1. Make them feel young again with exciting dates

A rush of adrenaline feels like a rush of love, so keep him excited! This could be an issue due to their inevitable heart issues, so instead of going sky diving, take him out to a blue ribbon special or some high stakes Canasta!

2. Find common interests

Try to relate to him on any level you can. Oh my god? You love vintage World War II Memorabilia? Me too! Because you fought in the war? Me too!

3. Dress like them!

Nothing says “I love you” like adopting their style! So quick, find a pair of pants that come up to your nipples and orthopedic shoes for the back problem you’re faking to get out of another round of grandpa sex.

4. Develop a bond

You may not want to develop an emotional bond with something that may choke on their fake teeth at any moment, so instead of developing a bond, give him government bonds as a gift. That way you don’t have to spend quality time with him, and he’ll think you actually care enough to get him a “neat-o!” gift.

5. Play hard to get

Every man, no matter what his age, likes a chase! So just run up a flight up stairs, and he’ll be chasing you for a lifetime (which probably won’t be much longer anyways).

6. Keep your sex life alive

Just because he can’t get hard on his own doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to defile you like men 40 years his junior. Spike all his drinks with Viagra, and he’ll have such a confidence boost that he might just buy you that Bugatti you’ve been hoping for! If you can’t bring yourself to look at him naked, ask him to blindfold you. He might love this new kinky stuff so much that the Bugatti will come with heated seats.

7. Laugh at all his jokes

A man loves to feel funny, so laugh at all of his jokes – even if he keeps telling the same one about Harry Truman because his Alzheimer’s keeps him from remembering that he told the joke already and that you don’t know who Harry Truman is (Did he used to host Family Pyramid?).

8. Copy his body language

When couples are truly in love, they copy each other’s body language. Since you don’t really love the shriveled up sack of money, you may have to force yourself to copy his movements. Start clearing your throat, shuffling your feet, and taking anywhere from 3-7 minutes to get out of a chair.

9. Communication

It’s important for couples to have good communications skills. This means listening to their needs and expressing your own. If he wants you to sit with him and watch The Price Is Right, let him know that you will, but you need $50 for that.

10. Stay loyal

It’s tempting to wander off with a man who knows how to properly work a universal remote control, but stay loyal! If your sugar daddy finds out about your infidelity, it may break literally break his heart, and unless you’re written into the will, you can kiss that private island goodbye.

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