Supreme Court Grandchildren

On Friday, the Supreme Court declared the legalization of same-sex marriage—if this is what it’s gonna take to get grandchildren. After decades of litigation, activism, and emotionally loaded hints about how nice it would be to hold a baby again, the court’s 5-4 ruling is not only a huge victory for same-sex couples, but also their elderly parents who guess they’ll allow it since their other children don’t seem to be in a rush.

Justice Anthony M. Kennedy announced that today marked a huge victory for senior citizens who say they’d make great babysitters if their gay or lesbian children ever needed to drop the little ones off for the weekend. “All people should have an excuse fill crystal jars with store-brand jelly beans so that their grandkids can munch on something sweet while they visit their Pampa and Meemaw. The Constitution grants them that right.”

Due to state bans, there were an estimated 700,000 elderly people living in the U.S. whose adult children were not allowed to wed and thus give them grandkids. Under the new ruling, they might finally be able to hear the pitter patter of little feet on the floor again or mail $10 bills once a year on their birthdays.

“It would be unfair to say a grandparent from New Hampshire wouldn’t be a grandparent if they tagged along for the family vacation to Georgia,” Justice Kennedy said of the 14 states with bans on gay marriage.

Many grandparents have expressed relief at finally being able to painstakingly gift wrap tiny sweaters that have been gaining dust on the shelf for years now.

“My time is running out. I got maybe six good years left in me,” said 82-year-old Barbara Goldberg of Cleveland, Ohio. “If this means my daughter and her ‘friend’ will deliver me the bundle of joy I’ve been praying for, I’ll take it.”

For more news from this week, check out Walmart Opens Early For Confederate Flag Blowout Clearance Sale.

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