2016 really stuck it in and broke it off when it came to famous people dying. For every beloved artist we lost there’s some piece of shit celebrity that survived somehow.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could trade the bad ones to get the good ones back? Who among us wouldn’t jump at the chance to trade Justin Bieber’s life for Prince, or Kim Kardashian for…anybody? These are the celebrities that should have died last year:
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Kylie Jenner
How she would have died: A bad batch of collagen causes her lips to become gangrenous, puss filled sacks depriving Kylie of her best asset and driving the young model to suicide.
Who we would trade her for: Patty Duke
Who we would trade her for: Patty Duke
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Adam Sandler
How he would have died: After renting "Jack and Jill" from a local Redbox, a lifelong Sandler fan decides to put the actor out of his misery with two .44 Magnum rounds to the face outside of a Wendy’s in Manchester NH. The media calls it a mercy killing.
Who we would trade him for: Gary Shandling
Who we would trade him for: Gary Shandling
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Lena Dunham
How she would have died: A disgruntled PA on "Girls" snaps uses a copy of "Not That Kind Of Girl" to cave in Dunham’s skull.
Who we would trade her for: Carrie Fisher
Who we would trade her for: Carrie Fisher
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Bill Cosby
How he would have died: After drinking a cocktail comprised of over 50 roofies and a splash of club soda, Cosby falls into a coma and is put in the hospital on life support until a visiting Malcolm Jamal Warner accidentally pulls his plug when looking for a place to charge his phone.
Who we would trade him for: Gene Wilder
Who we would trade him for: Gene Wilder
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Justin Beiber
How he should have died: While on a trip to the Great White north to visit family, the Canadian pop-star is disemboweled by a pack of rabid Moose causing his dangling entrails to molest the the newly fallen snow with their scarlet drippings.
Who we would trade him for: Prince
Who we would trade him for: Prince
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Anne Hathaway
How she would have died: During a real life Hunger Games, a feral Jennifer Lawrence slices Anne's throat open with a shiv made out of a broken iPhone and duct tape. J-Law then kneels in front of the quickly fading "Princess Diaries" star and bathes in the blood still pumping out of her jugular, content in the knowledge that she is now truly Best Actress.
Who we would trade her for: Doris Roberts
Who we would trade her for: Doris Roberts
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Axl Rose
How he would have died: During an encore of “Welcome to the Jungle” Rose suffers a stroke during the “junanananananananananana knees” part of the song. Mercifully by the time anyone notices, it’s too late.
Who we would trade him for: Glen Frey
Who we would trade him for: Glen Frey
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The Cast Of The Big Bang Theory
How they should have died: The whole cast asphyxiates after Neil Degrasse Tyson seals off all openings in the studio where the show is filmed save for a small hole which he uses to pump in the exhaust from his running car.
Who we would trade them for: Alan Rickman
Who we would trade them for: Alan Rickman
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Hilary Clinton
How she would have died: GAH BENGHAZI SHOULD HAVE KILLED HER WITH EMAILS RAAAAARGHHH!
Who we would trade her for: John Glenn
Who we would trade her for: John Glenn
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Kanye West
How he would have died: West breaks his neck while attempting to fellate himself causing instant paralysis. The rapper than proceeds to suffocate on his own penis, unable to move his head enough to dislodge it from his windpipe.
Who we would trade him for: Muhammad Ali
Who we would trade him for: Muhammad Ali
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Blake Shelton
How he would have died: Shelton’s jilted ex-wife Miranda Lambert sneaks into the bedroom that he now shares with Gwen Stefani and stabs the country music star 47 times with his People’s Choice Award.
Who we would trade him for: Merle Haggard
Who we would trade him for: Merle Haggard
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Bristol Palin
How she would have died: Gets knocked up with yet ANOTHER child out of wedlock and dies in childbirth.
Who we would trade her for: Zsa Zsa Gabor
Who we would trade her for: Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Fred Durst
How he should have died: After Durst threatens to release a new Limp Bizkit album, his mother Anita decides to get the abortion she should have gotten 46 years ago and pierces the Nookie singer’s heart with a wire coat-hanger.
Who we would trade him for: George Michael
Who we would trade him for: George Michael
14 of 33
Gwyneth Paltrow
How she would have died: Choking on her own goop.
Who we would trade her for: Robert Vaughn
Who we would trade her for: Robert Vaughn
15 of 33
Miley Cyrus
How she should have died: It turns out that all of those pictures of Miley with her tongue sticking out were the result of an unseen brain parasite that Cyrus picked up from craft services on Hannah Montana. After six years of slowly chewing away at Miley's gray matter, the parasite finally succeeded in eating through the singer’s cerebral cortex, leaving Cyrus to spend her last moments spasming ito the beat of "Party In The USA."
Who we would trade her for: Alexis Arquette
Who we would trade her for: Alexis Arquette
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Jaden Smith
How he would have died: Hit by a car while trying to photograph the wind.
Who we would trade him for: Leonard Cohen
Who we would trade him for: Leonard Cohen
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Jenny McCarthy
How she would have died: While appearing at an Anti Vaccination rally as the guest of honor, McCarthy contracts a rare combination of Tuberculosis and Measles causing the Singled Out star to breakout in searing blisters while simultaneously choking on the blood filling her lungs.
Who we would trade her for: Chyna
Who we would trade her for: Chyna
18 of 33
Kevin James
How he would have died: During the filming of Paul Blart 3, James falls off of his segway and hits his head so hard that he immediately vomits right before dying from the resulting swelling of his brain.
Who we would trade him for: Kevin Meaney
Who we would trade him for: Kevin Meaney
19 of 33
Kristen Stewart
How she would have died: After years of biting her lower lip, Stewart develops mouth cancer which proceeds to eat away at her face until her vacant stare can’t support it’s own weight and her whole head collapses in upon itself proving once and for all that nature really does abhor a vacuum.
Who we would trade her for: Kenny Baker
Who we would trade her for: Kenny Baker
20 of 33
Kim Kardashian
How she should have died: Kim drops her phone onto her face during a particularly challenging selfie, shattering her nose and causing her detached septum to travel up her sinus cavity and into her brain.
Who we would trade her for: Dealer's choice
Who we would trade her for: Dealer's choice
21 of 33
Kid Rock
How he would have died: While campaigning for Donald Trump, Rock helps to make america great again by running his Camaro off the road while trying to juggle puffing a Winston and drinking a 40 at the same time.
Who we would trade for him: Sir George Martin
Who we would trade for him: Sir George Martin
22 of 33
Lindsay Lohan
How she would have died: Years of hard partying have left Lohan immune to all conventional drugs, reducing her to smoking a mixture of Drano and asbestos in order to feel anything. Unfortunately the concoction erodes Lohan’s intestines so much that when the "Mean Girls" star sits on the toilet to pass what she assumes is a routine miscarriage, she actually shits out her entire digestive system.
Who we would trade her for: Jon Polito
Who we would trade her for: Jon Polito
23 of 33
Nickleback
How they would have died: While going over a bridge on the way to a gig, the driver on the band’s tour bus has a moment of clarity and realizes that he could do the whole world a favor with one hard turn to the left.
Who we would trade them for: David Bowie
Who we would trade them for: David Bowie
24 of 33
Mariah Carey
How she would have died: The singer would have perished in the explosion caused by the bomb she planted in Times Square on New Year's eve.
Who we would trade her for: Frank Sinatra Jr.
Who we would trade her for: Frank Sinatra Jr.
25 of 33
Tucker Carlson
How he would have died: Tucker makes one condescending remark too many and becomes first Fox News anchor to be strangled to death on live TV.
Who we would trade him for: Morley Safer
Who we would trade him for: Morley Safer
26 of 33
Nicki Minaj
How she would have died: Minaj starts twerking a little too enthusiastically on the set of her new video and ends up with a broken rib which floats up through her abdomen and punctures her left lung causing it to fill with fluid and drown the Anaconda singer.
Who we would trade her for: Keith Emerson
Who we would trade her for: Keith Emerson
27 of 33
Robin Thicke
How he would have died: In an attempt to keep up with a girlfriend nearly half his age, Thicke accidentally takes too many Viagra and suffers a massive coronary, causing the "Blurred Lines" singer to die how he lived - with a raging boner and a broken heart.
Who we would trade him for: His dad Alan Thicke
Who we would trade him for: His dad Alan Thicke
28 of 33
Susan Olsen (Cindy Brady)
How she would have died: The former Brady Bunch star is found dead from blunt force trauma on her apartment floor next to a blood covered rainbow dildo.
Who we wold trade her for: A better Brady, Florence Henderson
Who we wold trade her for: A better Brady, Florence Henderson
29 of 33
Shia LaBeouf
How he would have died: A crazed fan kidnaps Shia and forces him to watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in it’s entirety causing Labeouf's face to melt and drip from his skull like candle wax.
Who we would trade him for: Anton Yelchin
Who we would trade him for: Anton Yelchin
30 of 33
Taylor Swift
How she would have died: A spurned ex replaces Taylor's hair Bleach with sulfuric acid causing the singer to suffer through an agonizing pain she can't shake off without causing her slowly dissolving flesh to slough off her bones.
Who we would trade her for: Debbie Reynolds
Who we would trade her for: Debbie Reynolds
31 of 33
Tom Cruise
How he would have died: Cruise finally takes his love of Scientology too far by grinding the remains of L. Ron Hubbard into a fine powder and snorting it through a rolled up twenty dollar bill. Tom immediately goes into convulsions and chokes on his own tongue.
Who we would trade him for: David Huddleston
Who we would trade him for: David Huddleston
32 of 33
Zack Snyder
How he would have died: Snyder insists on making the Justice League set so dark that no one can see what they are doing including Snyder who trips over his DP and impales himself on Aquaman’s trident.
Who we would trade him for: Michael Cimino
Who we would trade him for: Michael Cimino
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