Astronomers working at NASA were astonished this week when they discovered data sets for their Habitable Space Program came back showing the strongest evidence yet of an exoplanet in our galaxy capable of supporting the most superfluous and unnecessary components required for life to exist in the universe.
The planet scientists have begun calling a “way awesomer Earth” is located in the Perseus Spiral Arm of the Milky Way, directly adjacent to ours, and contains what is considered generally among scientists to be the perfect geophysical, chemical, and astrophysical balance required to sustain a predominantly self-centered and douchey population of complete fucking assholes.
“Physically and chemically, it’s a kind of perfect storm of requisite components for creating and sustaining a society that rarely requires individuals to look up from their smartphones,” explains Kevin Dorbell, PhD and co-director of NASA’s Habitable Space Program. “As myopic and self-destructive dickheads, what more could we ask for in a planet?”
Dorbell went on to describe the planet’s unique terrain as “ideal for extracting its severely limited fossil fuel supply, erecting a vast, wasteful network of telecommunication towers, and establishing multiple KFC franchises. All the least important things in life could be nothing more than a few thousand light years away.”
Other findings from the program revealed that the soil just below the planet’s crust contains “a liquid crystal strata: a main ingredient in the manufacture of flat screen televisions” and that “the acoustics of the atmosphere are such that it is quite possibly capable of producing a decent sound quality for Beats by Dre headphones.”
Dorbell declined to answer the larger questions that the discovery of Kardashian KB 17 raises for our species, but his answers certainly feel hopeful, even if he doesn’t. “Could there be a planet out there as frivolously habitable as ours? Right now the answer is looking more and more like a yes. But I suggest we don’t get ahead of ourselves and just continue to focus on fucking this one up first.”
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