1 of 51
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. - Mitch Hedberg
2 of 51
When work feels overwhelming, remember that you're going to die.
3 of 51
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. - Henny Youngman
4 of 51
Go to Heaven for the climate, hell for the company. - Mark Twain
5 of 51
I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities. - Tina Fey
6 of 51
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - Jack Handey
7 of 51
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey
8 of 51
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
9 of 51
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. - Jon Stewart
10 of 51
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. - Joey Adams
11 of 51
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg
12 of 51
Whenever you are feeling sad, just remember that somewhere in the world there’s an idiot pulling a door that says “Push".
13 of 51
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. - Jerry Seinfeld
14 of 51
Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying "like" all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster. - Tina Fey
15 of 51
Raisin oatmeal cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
16 of 51
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. - Mark Twain
17 of 51
They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
18 of 51
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. - Jon Stewart
19 of 51
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. - Jack Handey
20 of 51
Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. - George Carlin
21 of 51
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year. - Victor Borge
22 of 51
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?! - Jack Handey
23 of 51
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." - Jack Handey
24 of 51
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. - Mitch Hedberg
25 of 51
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. - Woody Allen
26 of 51
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. - Oscar Wilde
27 of 51
All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity. - Mark Twain
28 of 51
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
29 of 51
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. - Zach Galifianakis
30 of 51
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns
31 of 51
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
32 of 51
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. - Robin Williams
33 of 51
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. - Jerry Seinfeld
34 of 51
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. - George Carlin
35 of 51
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. - Janeane Garofalo
36 of 51
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra
37 of 51
Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.' - Dave Chappelle
38 of 51
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers
39 of 51
Follow your heart but take your brain with you.
40 of 51
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. - Woody Allen
41 of 51
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
42 of 51
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. - George Carlin
43 of 51
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. - Benny Hill
44 of 51
Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. - Charles J. Sykes
45 of 51
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. - Arnold Schwarzenegger
46 of 51
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. - Mitch Hedberg
47 of 51
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
48 of 51
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. - Albert Einstein
49 of 51
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. - Margaret Mead
50 of 51
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill
