You couldn’t remember why it had been so long since you visited your Aunt Pam in Iowa, until you sat down for dinner on Tuesday night. She set something in front of you whose color could only be described as “the absence of color.” Managing to be simultaneously spongy, hard, damp and dry, you estimated exactly how much you’d have to eat to avoid hospitalization while remaining polite.

Here are the nine unholy combinations of food your Aunt Pam desperately wants you to try, bless her heart:

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