Mrs. Doubtfire

After a bad breakup, many of us only have one simple question: “Should I doctor an ad in the local paper and pose as an elderly British woman in order to remain close to my loved ones?” Wonder no more— here are a few surefire ways to know once and for all if Mrs. Doubtfiring your ex is right for you.

Is Your Ex A Total Beazy?

Is your ex like, a total uptight beazy? Does he or she have a huge stick up their butt about “destroying the house with an unplanned and disrespectful party,” and also about your perpetual unemployment? If so, you can be pretty sure they’re not going to make this easy, and you’ll almost never get to see those adorable kids of yours ever again. Definitely Doubtfire.

Is Your Family Kind Of Dumb?

This one is very important. Because if your family isn’t kind of dumb then there is seriously no way they’re going to believe you’re actually an elderly British woman, or even a normal human. If anyone in your family seems just a little bit smart or even moderately aware of their surroundings, then we’d advise against Doubtfiring.

Do You Happen To Have An Older Brother Who Is Like, An Amazing Gay Makeup Artist?

This one is also totally key to the success of your heinous ruse, because you’d better believe if you don’t have a trained gay professional altering your age, gender, and possibly race, then you’re going to be found out faster than you can say, “This seemed like a normal idea at the time.”

Are You Totally Unfazed By Prosecution In A Court Of Law?

Here’s the thing about the ol’ Doubtfire-rama: if you’re found out, you technically could spend a lot of time in jail. Not only will you have falsified your identity on what likely amounts to numerous tax documents, but you also will have lied to child services on numerous occasions. However, if you’re a gambler, or prison seems kinda cool to you, then DF away!

There you have it — a few simple tips for figuring out if identity fraud and severe childhood trauma is right for you and your family. The choice is yours!

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