Nice Guy

Being a nice guy isn’t as “nice” as it’s cracked up to be. In fact, the world can be pretty darn mean to nice guys. Very few people understand the excruciating pain of helping a girl bring her groceries into her apartment and only getting a “thank you” in return. I think people who are currently being stabbed may come close. Maybe.

Never fear, however, because I’m here to help you out in your mission to get some… I mean, find true love. Here are some tips you should follow:

1. Social Media

Your social media profile should include at least twelve pictures of you holding a flower, preferably yellow. Nothing screams “I am a sensitive, artistic soul who is deeply connected to the natural world and all of its gifts” louder. To a lot of girls, there is nothing sexier than a man who is turned on by the earth.

2. Start Reading

Read a book by a female author and make that the topic of every conversation you have. Bonus points if you’re white and the author is a woman of color. You need people to be amazed and astounded that you are one of the few men who is willing and open to the words of a woman. If she has also read a book by this author, be sure to insist that she probably read the text wrong, or doesn’t understand it as deeply as you do. Women love to have your intimidating mental prowess imposed upon them.

3. Get A Tattoo

Get a tattoo on your forehead that says “This is what a feminist looks like.” Sure, you could get a T-Shirt with those words but feminism is not something you can just put on and take off. You have to let the ladies know that you really mean it. This one is a bit of a commitment but it’s totally worth it.

4. Ask Her About Herself

The very first thing you should do on your very first date should be to say “So, tell me about your childhood.” You need to practice your sympathetic nod in case the childhood was unhappy. To really connect with her, cut her off after a word or two, and tell her about your own childhood. If it seems like she’s trying to get a word in edgewise, talk louder, and faster. How else are you going to let her know you went through the same thing, but worse?

5. Keep Trying

If you message her on OK Cupid and she doesn’t respond, don’t worry. Keep trying. Eventually, she will say something. It’s very possible that she may just be thinking of something to say and may just be taking her time! If it’s taking her more than an hour or two, let her know she’s a bitch who doesn’t deserve your time. This almost always provokes a response, and even an angry message means there’s passion there.

These are but only a few tips if you want to succeed at the game of love. Except that you should not refer to it as a “game” because you are a nice guy. Just remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea! You just have to know how to use the right bait.

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