Quiz: How Much Do You Fucking Suck?

Humans: we’re the worst. But what exactly makes you in particular suck so badly? Take our quiz and find out:

1. Have you ever hit the big slam dunk to win your team the championship?

   1. Yes
   2. No
   3. What the hell is the big slam dunk?
   4. Sports are for Neanderthals!

2. Do you take online quizzes and share the results?

   1. 

   2. 

3. What's your favorite television show?

   1. Shark Tank
   2. Girls
   3. How I Met Your Mother
   4. Beavis & Butthead
   5. The Big Bang Theory
   6. What's a television show?

4. Do you write poetry? Ah Christ, you do, don't you?

   1. 

   2. 

5. How cool is Upworthy?

   1. So cool!
   2. OMG so uplifting!!
   3. Feelings disgust me.
   4. Is it too much to ask for ISIS to decapitate anyone who's shared an Upworthy link?

6. Do you put ranch dressing on everything?

   1. 

   2. 

7. Would you describe your use of self-tanner as 'often'?

   1. 

   2. 

8. What Mad Men character do you imagine yourself as?

   1. 

   2. 

   3. 

   4. 

   5. 

   6. 

9. You vaping?

   1. 

   2. 

10. How gluten-free is your life?

    1. Completely!
    2. It's a medical condition, I swear!
    3. I've made a conscious lifestyle choice, OK?
    4. I am literally a piece of pizza.

11. Do you frequently take selfies?

    1. 

    2. 

12. Are you into improv?

    1. 

    2. 

13. Have you ever referred to yourself as an 'apex predator'?

    1. 

    2. 

14. How old would you say you dress?

    1. Just like every other fun-loving youth who loves Skrilly and Ditmo!
    2. I don't know, but all my clothes come from Talbot.
    3. I got this hemp shirt for $75 from a local head shop.
    4. However old someone is that wears a fedora everyday.
    5. The Gap is ageless!

15. Do you read self-help books?

    1. 

    2. 

16. And finally, do you regularly wear or associate with people who wear Ed Hardy?

    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. What's Ed Hardy?!

You Are As Shitty As Hannah Horvath

You display the worst combinations of traits possible: unbridled narcissism coupled with being utterly talentless. You also look disgusting naked.

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You Suck As Much As Donald Trump's Hair

You're dumb, you're loud, and you don't care what anyone else thinks, which makes you a hero in this part of the world. You spend your leisure time at the bar at Chili's telling strangers how cool you were in high school. You think immigrants stole your job.

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You Are A Walking, Talking Olive Garden

You're the living embodiment of the American Midwest: a barely sentient mountain of uninformed flab that passes for human. You're the reason George Bush was elected twice.

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You Are A Leftie Fuck Boy

You're entire life philosophy originates from sucking at t-ball as a 5 year old. You voted for Barack Obama twice and lock your car the second you see a black person, but lack the critical capacity to think about either. You probably live in Massachusetts.

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You Are A Blissfully Unaware Loser

You somehow maintain a positive attitude in spite of never coming close to even a whiff of success. You manage to spend most of your life looking at inspirational quotes and Twitter. You probably do improv.

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You Are As Lame As A Middle Aged Person On A Scooter

The uncomfortable sadness you bestow upon anyone who meets you is further compounded by how blissfully unaware you are of your own unfortunate circumstances. You probably work at Buzzfeed.

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You Aren't Completely Terrible!

Congratulations, you aren't 100 percent awful. But fret not, no one will probably care when you finally decide to off yourself.

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