So you’ve been wielding your position of power over every type of person you can think of and people are finally starting to listen to your accusers – what now?! Hopefully, you’ve got a devoted and well-paid PR team put in place for just such an occasion, but if not (or if you just kind of care but not really), worry not – there’s a template for that!

This general draft is designed to provide anyone with the empty, blanket-statement apology they need to feel good enough about themselves to continue feeling better about themselves, because isn’t that the reason you’ve been doing what you do this whole time anyway? Your draft will be sure to cover all the angles, from “excuses you tell yourself” to “backhanded compliments that remind everyone how professionally successful you’ve been this whole time, for some reason.”

However you slice it, you’ll get an enough of an apology out to cover your ass and express how sorry you are for your actions (or not! – Saying the words “I’m sorry” is left to the sole discretion of the creating party). We’ve taken out any language that could hold you legally liable for your actions, but if this seems ethically accountable enough, bully for you!


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