Taylor Swift Purchases Tube Sock Manufacturer

After purchasing TaylorSwift.porn and TaylorSwift.adult to protect her brand, Taylor Swift has taken the next step in ensuring that her image stays out of the sex industry’s hands: the singer has announced her plans to purchase the leading manufacturer of tube socks. As of Monday, Swift will become CEO of Global Sock Industries, an industry giant which owns hundreds of factories in China.

While unorthodox, it’s a smart move for Swift to claim ownership of the most popular household masturbation tools before competitors can. However, the pop singer doesn’t intend to suddenly switch careers. Once she gains ownership of the company, she plans to halt production of tube socks altogether.

“I can’t control the fact that guys might be yanking it to me,” said Swift, “But if you do try to wrestle the one-eyed monster while imagining nailing me on top of the white stallion from the Blank Space video, it’s gonna be a lot more difficult now.”

While the number of people jerking off to Taylor Swift is significantly lower than those of her pop star peers, Swift has always had a knack for staying one step ahead of the curve. Some experts have speculated that if Swift ever switches to a “sexier” image in the future, this business move would give her significant control of the masturbation industry.

Though unconfirmed, a source close to Taylor’s camp has claimed she has plans to buy the lotion company Jergens next.

“While it seems unlikely now, Taylor may be ‘sexy’ one day,” says one expert. “Teenage boys might be ejaculating into Taylor Swift tube socks filled with Taylor Swift lotion sooner than you’d think.”

Feeling better informed for reading this showbiz insight? You should continue your topical reading and learn how Ryan Gosling Cheated On Eva Mendes With A Pair Of Sweatpants.

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